If I Say Yes (Say Something #1) Read online

  “For someone who hates them so much, you seem to have quite a bit yourself.” His voice is harsh. I turn my head towards him and sigh. He doesn’t glance at me, starts the car, and eases out of the parking spot. Touché, Mr. Harder, touché.

  The drive back to his house is awkward, and the tension is stronger than it was on the car ride over. I am just ready for the night to be over. Maybe I will be sleeping in my own bed tonight. How can yesterday be one of the most perfect nights in the world and today turn into a mess? The story of my life. Sure, I have no one else to blame but myself. I barely wait for Reid to park the car before I am quickly flying out of the passenger seat and making my way up to the front door. Tears streak my face as I try to punch in the code to his door. My body is shaking and I just want to crawl into bed. This is all my fault. I’m damaged goods. I’m single-handedly ruining the best thing that has ever happened to me, because I can’t just spit out the damn truth.

  All my fears, all my doubts, all my self-criticism is slowly breaking me down. Ruining a chance of happiness before it has even lifted off the ground. I can’t do it. I can’t keep stringing him along. I can’t set myself up for heartbreak again. I’ve had my heart broken before, and I will not let it happen again. Eventually, Reid is going to get sick of my double standards. He is going to start despising the fact that I expect him to share every part of himself with me and only give him a part of me. Although he claims that he’d rather have only a part of me than none at all, I can’t really expect him to hold onto that. One day, he’s going to wake up, and realize he doesn’t want that anymore, that he doesn’t want me anymore, and I will be left shattered in a million pieces again.

  I hear Reid call out to me as I push open the door and rush to the stairs. I make my way down the hall leading to my room, where I left my duffle bag yesterday when we arrived. I never unpacked, so it’ll be easy to grab and leave.

  “What are you doing?” I hear Reid say behind me. I stop, glance back at him, and see him standing in the doorway.

  “I can’t do this.” I take a deep breath and snag the bag off the bed. “I thought I could, but I can’t. So I’m going home.”

  “I’m not going to let you run away when things start to get tough. It may have worked in the past, but it’s not going to work now.” I try to push past him, and he stops me. “I won’t let you Liza; it’s time to stop running.” He pulls me against his chest, and I sag against him. “I’m not letting you go so easily. Do you not get it? I… love… you. All of you. The good, and the frustrating. Just because things have been tense today doesn’t mean anything. Some days, things are going to be hard. Some days, we’re going to fight. We’re going to scream and shout. We’re going to disagree, whether it’s about what color of sheets we want or how to wash laundry. That’s what couples do. That’s what people who are in love do. They call each other on their bullshit, they fight, and then they have the most amazing make up sex.”

  I laugh against his chest. “But I’m lying to you. I can’t even open up to you. One day you’re going to get sick of my secrets and leave.”

  “You have secrets. So do I. Everyone does, but that’s the way of life.” He kisses my forehead. “I will never leave you unless you tell me to. You hold that power. You have my heart in your hands.”

  “You’re perfect,” I whisper and tighten my arms around him. “Absolutely perfect.”

  “Not perfect… just right.” I can’t disagree with him. I know he’s wrong, but I’ll let him think he is right for now. One day, he will get sick of me, and he will leave. I just have to prepare myself for that day. “What do you say to a bath?”

  I never, ever want to leave Reid’s bathroom or bathtub. With the jets, the bubbles, and the never-ending candles providing the only light in the room, I am in heaven. Of course, the only way I will stay is if Reid agrees to never leave. I snuggle against him in the crook of his legs, and he holds me tight. Classical music plays softly over the speakers in the bathroom. When the music first came on, I searched around the bathroom for any sign of them and found none. I quickly gave up the search when Reid joined me. I close my eyes and rest my head against his chest, listening to his heart beating steadily beneath me.

  We stay in the bathtub until our skin becomes like prunes, wrinkly and old looking. Reid holds out the towel for me as I step out of the tub and dries me off. He wraps the towel around me, and I can’t help staring at his naked torso as he repeats the process on himself. He really is a sight to behold. Neither of dress as we head back into his bedroom. He shows me how to work the controls that bring up the TV and how to access his collection of movies. I stick with the horror theme from the other night and go with Halloween. Halfway through the movie, Reid lets me know that I don’t have to go into the office tomorrow if I don’t want to. He already cleared it with his uncle. I don’t know if I should be happy or angry that he assumed I wouldn’t be up for work tomorrow, but I’m glad he thought of me. The idea of missing more work kills me, but after the day I had, I really can use another day off. So I tell him that I will stay home and just relax for the day.

  Something Reid said earlier stuck with me. It is time for me to stop running from my past, and I know exactly how to do it. Tomorrow, I will adventure up to the house I have avoided like the plague for the last six years. I will face my inner demons. I will overcome all the pain and suffering I have locked away. It is time to move on, and I want to with Reid. The only way I can do that is returning to the place that haunts my nightmares, and then tell Reid the truth about everything. And I mean everything.

  Sometime, after another night of lovemaking, I finally manage to fall into a fitful sleep. For the first time in weeks, I have another nightmare, but it’s not the one with my mother blaming me for her death. Rather it’s one of the house, the one I grew up in. I am wandering around, searching for a way out, but I am trapped, and the walls are caving in on me. I wake up in a panic, gasping for air, and sweat pouring off of me. The sun is just beginning to rise and filter in through the large windows next to the bed. I peek over at Reid, who is still peacefully sleeping, and brush a strand of his hair out of his face. I pull the covers aside and slip out of the bed. I walk into the bathroom, turn the shower on, slip out of my clothes, and step under the spray.

  The hot water beats down on my body as I sit on the floor of the shower. Tears fall down my face, as if a dam has busted open. The nightmare was doing strange things to me, and I can’t make any sense of it. I was watching a montage of walking down the familiar hallways as they closed in on me. I don’t know if it was the sight of the blood that smeared the walls, or the echoing sound of banging on the doors, is what has me terrified of my plan for the day.

  Two strong arms scoop me up off the floor and out of the shower. I can barely make Reid out in the stream of tears steadily falling down my face as he sets me down and wraps a towel around me. “Liza? What’s wrong?”

  After a few calming breaths, I begin to feel more in control of my emotions and glance up at Reid. His eyebrows are creased, his eyes full of worry, and he is staring at me tenderly. I fight to bring a faint smile to my lips and know I failed when he frowns slightly. “Just another nightmare,” my voice comes out softly.

  “Want to talk about it?” I shake my head. “Do you have them often?”

  “No.” Not for a long time at least. “Just occasionally.” He pulls me close to him. I can feel his chest rising as he takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. “What are you doing out of bed?”

  “I woke up and found your side of the bed empty. I thought you snuck away and left me while I was asleep.”

  I laugh softly, gaze up at him, and press a kiss against his chin. “You would know it if I was leaving. As you see, I can be quite dramatic when it comes to you.”

  “I hope you never leave.”

  His confession tightens around my heart. I will never leave, but nothing is stopping him from walking away one day. Today, I will make sure that doesn’t happen. “The sam
e goes for you… unfortunately, you do have to leave me.” He glances down at me and raises an eyebrow. “You can’t afford to miss any more work, whether your uncle owns the company or not.”

  Both of us laugh, and this morning’s episode is quickly behind us. I get dressed and wait for Reid to get ready for work. I don’t wait long before Reid pulls his laptop out of his bag and writes down the password in case I want to access my email account for work and do some work while at the house. After he makes sure I know and have everything I need, he’s pulling me into a deep kiss and whispering how I will be invading every thought he has today. I head back into the house when I see his car disappear down the street and go into the kitchen to make something to eat. After breakfast, I head upstairs, pull his laptop onto the top of his bed, and turn it on. I enter the password and wait for it to quickly load and log into my email.

  No emails from my stalker. I slowly let a breath of relief out, which is quickly replaced by fear. The silence has gone on long enough. I don’t know if this means whoever it is has given up or if it means they are waiting for something. What that is, I don’t have any idea. Ignoring the wave of uneasiness, I scan through the emails I do have, randomly choose one, and open it. The author sounds promising; her story sounds like it will be amazing. I read the three required chapters that are in the email and quickly respond with a request for the rest of her manuscript.

  I’m finding it easier to filter through the hoard of emails bombarding my inbox. By noon, I have requested full manuscripts from four more authors. I decide to take a break and eat some lunch. I bring the laptop downstairs to the kitchen with me and set it on the breakfast bar while Panic Station by Muse blares through the tiny speakers. I dance throughout the kitchen as I search for the ingredients I need to make the meanest grilled cheese sandwich mankind has ever known. With all the ingredients in hand, I start cooking. The music switches over to Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back. I laugh softly to myself at Reid’s eclectic taste in music, which is very much like my own. Halfway through the song, it cuts off, and I assume it’s because the battery has died and keep singing the lyrics out loud, still dancing.

  I hear a laugh behind me, one I know intimately, and I freeze. The heat rushes to my face, and I slowly turn around and come face to face with Reid. “If you promise to be doing that every day at lunch time… I promise to be home every day at lunch time.” He smiles and pulls me against him.

  “Ha ha, very funny. I’ll have you know that I am not going to be one of those women who stays at home with bare feet and a million children running around.” I snuggle against his chest.

  “I didn’t think you were. But the idea is appealing.” I push away from him and see the humor dancing in his eyes.

  “Lunch?” I ask. I wasn’t expecting him home for lunch, but I am glad he came. Reid nods his head, and I turn back to make him a sandwich. He laughs softly to himself, and I pause to look at him. “What’s so funny?”

  “N-n-nothing.” His face flushes red at being caught. He sits down on one of the bar stools and watches me. “Don’t let me keep you distracted.”

  With that, I finish making our lunch. I set his plate down in front of him and take a seat next to him. Reid tells me about his uneventful morning at work and how it isn’t the same knowing he can’t come bother me at my office. I remind him that it’s work, not a playground, and that we can’t be horsing around. Of course, he doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t stay for very long, because he has to get back in time for a meeting, but doesn’t leave without pulling me into the most sensational kiss I’ve ever experienced.

  I watch as Reid pulls out of the driveway and sag against the door frame, missing him already. He’s going to be late again at the office. Once his car is no longer in sight, I close the door and head back into the kitchen. I stop at the computer and see that it hasn’t died, but rather he paused the song. I push play and begin to dance around as the song begins to fill the room again. I look through the pantry and refrigerator in search of what to prepare for dinner tonight. I settle on making some lemon pepper salmon with a nice fresh salad and a glass of wine. With dinner decided and Reid on his way back to work, I am left with nothing to do but get back on the computer and do some more work.

  My luck has run out from this morning. None of the emails I read sound appealing, none are eye catching, and none give me the sense that I have to request more from the author or I will regret it. After a couple more hours, I decide to take a break, prep what I need to for dinner, and grab a plate full of cookies and a glass of milk before getting back on the computer. After about an hour of reading absolute nonsense, like an author who wrote a book about a girl who can’t decide between three men she claims to love and which one to marry.

  Sure, the book might sell, readers love these kind of things. They love a woman torn between X amount of men. I just don’t want my name tied to a story like this. To something I don’t believe in. No way. Call me critical, call me whatever you please, but I stand by my beliefs and my decisions. I check the box next to the email and send it to the trash. Just as I do so, my inbox beeps with a new message. My heart drops when I see that it’s from an unknown user. I hesitate before finally clicking it open.

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: [email protected]

  It seems as though the two love birds have finally come back to reality. I do hope, darling, that you make a move soon and tell lover boy the truth before I do. Or before something happens to him. Let’s not forget your dear, sweet friend Elias. Rumor has it that you guys had quite the showdown at a quaint little restaurant downtown. However, it seems as though you have made your choice. Watch your back and that lovesick puppy of yours. You never know when I’m coming for either one of you.

  I delete the email, more determined than ever to get to the bottom of this. First things first, I have a trip to make, the one I have put off all day, and then I’ll tell Reid everything— including this anonymous stalker of mine. Then, I will track whoever it is threatening me and the ones I love deeply and put an end to all this bull, and to them. With a new found strength, I close the laptop and head upstairs. I pull on the first pair of jeans, T-shirt, and flats I find. I pull my slightly wet hair back in a ponytail. I make my way through the house and exit through the front door, slamming it behind me.

  This all ends today.

  I am no longer going to hide. I am no longer going to be ashamed of who my parents are, what my mother did, or what my father did. Their actions are no longer going to define me. I am my own person, and today is the first time I start to own up to that. Today I am taking a stand. Today I begin to live life the way I want to and not the way my fears want me to. My fears will no longer control my actions. With determination, I leave the driveway and head up the street towards the house I have always feared.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  THE SKY IS BURSTING with shades of pink as the sun sets. The temperature is quickly dropping, and I wrap my arms tightly around myself. As I reach the end of the driveway, I see the house coming into view. The grand, crisp white structure towers over me as I reach the end of the circular driveway. It’s a picturesque sight, a home that people can only dream of, a place where they dream of raising a family in, a place where memories are made. The house is a house of dreams, but to me it’s a house of horror.

  Nothing good has ever come from this place. This house is the very place that haunts me deep in the night. A constant reminder of what little I had that was stripped away from me. My mind is telling my body to move, to step away from the beautiful marble fountain that sits in front of the house. To take one step at a time until I reach the elegant double doors, but my body refuses to listen. I am frozen in place, trapped in the memories of what this house means to me. I can barely breathe, my heart is pounding in my chest, and my knees are shaking. For a split second, I wish Eli was here with me, but I quickly dismiss the thought. Immediately, my mind goes to Reid, but I still haven’t told him about this part of my past�
�� yet. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe it’s better to face my demons alone.

  With a deep breath, I slowly move to the front door. I pull out the key, insert it into the lock, and turn it without a struggle. I step through the door, and it’s like I’ve been transported back into time. My vision tunnels, my heart races, and all I can see is blood. Tears stream down my face as I try to regain some control of my emotions, but it’s no use. No matter how many times I blink my eyes, shake my head, or how many breaths I take, all I can see is red. I close my eyes, slowly inhaling through my nose and exhaling out of my mouth.

  “Fear doesn’t control you. Own your fears. Take control. Face your demons.” I repeat the words that my therapist has told me on more than one occasion. I say them over and over again until I can feel the power behind them begin to strengthen, and I finally open my eyes and see the blood is gone.

  Everything seems to be just as it had all my life. Everything has been restored to all its former glory. The blood has been cleaned up, and the broken furniture has been replaced with exact replicas, just as I had ordered. The marble floor glistens under the sun filtering through the windows in the vaulted ceilings above, the sun’s rays bouncing off the chandelier and dancing along the walls, and the stairs have been restored to the way they looked before the murder. Time has a way of changing things. However, it‘s as if time hasn’t touched this room at all.

  The scent of fresh roses pulls me back into the vicious cycle of nightmares as I begin to climb up the stairs. The memory of the bloodshed begins to taunt me, and I can see it again. Finding my mother battered and dead hits me full force, as well as my father making a move to attack me next. My hand subconsciously moves to the jagged scar along my abdomen, and I gently rub it. As I reach the top of the landing, I swear I can hear the soft sounds of a piano playing from the third floor. I pause, glancing down the hallway where my parents’ room resides, but I don’t dare linger towards it. Being in their room is more than I can handle today. Maybe one day I can step foot into their room, but that day isn’t today. So instead, I begin to climb the next set of stairs and make my way to the music room.